A Note to Self: This Mother's Day

This post contains sensitive images, please read at your own risk. 

I’ll preface this blog post by saying that you may need a box of tissues. I often find myself hitting the delete button frequently, always second guessing whether or not I should share the bits and pieces of the legacy my stillborn son leaves behind.

Rainbow baby, Jaxon, reaching for his toy car. I refer to him as a rainbow, because they often appear after heavy storms. Hence, a beautiful baby after my stillbirth. 

Rainbow baby, Jaxon, reaching for his toy car. I refer to him as a rainbow, because they often appear after heavy storms. Hence, a beautiful baby after my stillbirth. 

While browsing through old Facebook photos on my personal profile, I ran across a few images of my second son, Jaxon. One of the photos was an image of him reaching for a toy car that was placed in the window. Another image showed him playing with a Winnie the Pooh stuffed bear, a character that carries such a sensitive and symbolic meaning in our family that I can’t help but to share.

Playing with the paws of Old Winnie. 

Playing with the paws of Old Winnie. 

You see, Winnie the Pooh was my favorite character as a kid. There’s a special kind of nostalgia that swells up inside of me when I think of the stories A.A. Milne shared of a bear named “Pooh”. Well, I’m known for going against the grain and while everyone else threw baby showers of popular Nickelodeon and Disney characters, I couldn’t help to bring back those memories. So we scoured countless numbers of big box stores and online sites as if we were looking for treasure, trying to find Winnie the Pooh themed decorations for Melo’s baby shower. We were out of luck for awhile until we came across the Treasure Chest, the local crafts store that was stocked with lots of Winnie the Pooh items. Well, to make an already long story shorter, one day after celebrating the life, memory and tough days that lie ahead, our son Carmelo passed away. 

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Fast forward nearly 2 years, and we’ve been blessed to have an incredibly intelligent and active rainbow baby by the name of Jaxon. Two years ago I didn’t think I’d be able to have another child, or have the perseverance to go through something similar. Going through a pregnancy where everything looks good and then suddenly complications appear and growth stops at nearly 8 months gestation. It’s a lot to deal with -mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. But —I did it. I persevered, pushed through and put all the doubt and fear aside —having faith despite the possible outcomes (one of the joys of being a slightly optimistic individual). 

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So, here I am a strong mother of twoTrying my best to savor the memories of them both. Taking every opportunity I can to show my sons how much I love them. It’s hard being a mom most days. Most of the time I question whether or not I’m parenting the right way. Less sweets and technology and more outside play and reading. Am I being too overprotective? Should I make the two hour trip to Jasper and re-decorate Melo's Happy Place (grave)? Will Melo think I forgot about him? Will he feel abandoned? But then some nights like tonight, where I cry and think I’m the worst person on the planet, because I didn’t get it exactly right…he comforts me. I feel him near me, telling me  he loves me and that I’m a great mom. He gives me strength, even during holidays like Mother’s Day where I don’t feel like the best one. 

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I guess the point of all of this, is to tell the Moms, who like me, struggle on holidays like this that you’re a great mom. You may not get it right every time, second guess yourself often or even have days where you want to be alone. You may feel a void inside, or that you’re over feeling that void, but it’s okay. Because even when you don’t read them a bedtime story, tuck them at night, or give them a goodnight's kiss —you’ll always be enough. You’ll always be the BEST Mom in the world to them, and they wouldn’t have it any other way. 

Alway remember this, Happy Mother’s Day <3



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